Whirlpool of Thoughts...

It is time for a long post again. Its 27-Feb-08, 1.13AM. Still awake...Loads of thoughts creating whirlpool and pulling the writer out of me. Its been a long time now, i am quite familiar with this kind of situation now a days and as usual I have left everything on time to take its course (Honest people leave the problems which he can't solve to time:)
I used to be the Agony Aunt, Problem solver, correct decision maker for others problem. But I have realised that a man in a problem can not even realise what is good for him. Good time, fun time is over...its tough time/decision time/real time now.
I was having a great time with Ani (Agra tour, Rishikesh Tour, McLeod Ganj Tour, Nainital Tour, Deer park, RPM...list will be little longer to cover in a blog ;). Problem started creeping up...there are 4 problems-Me, Ani, My Family, Surroundings.
Me: I am very complex person. I myself don't know what I like and what I duo not. I have never planned about my future in a concrete manner (which world demands from you professionally/personally both). I was free man and never liked rules and responsibilities and much thinking. I am also introvert (which causes lot of trouble in a relationship). I am highly ambitious too. Sometime I feel I am not satisfied with anything I have.
Ani: My gift from Lady love for whom I think I can do anything, whom I was looking for ages, who give me some of the best moments in my life ....what to say.....MY EVERYTHING. I have even stopped enjoying the things what I used to like the most in the absence of Ani. But when she raised the question mark for commitment than I got conscious because I have never thought of that. I never thought of getting married, I hate relationship, I hate responsibilities, I afraid of being confined/losing freedom, I afraid of fighting with Ani, I afraid of getting divorce and separated from her, Probably I am coward and reluctant too(which is the main point as per Ani) and thousands of other stray thoughts. Whatever be the reason I kept quite whenever this point arises in our discussion. Slowly my quietness played a soft game and is robbing the beauty/sweetness/emotion and attraction from our relationship. But how Ani can help it!!! after all she is also a girl that too having a little time in her young age. Sometimes I feel like...she is hurrying up because she don't have time left but why should I hurry? I have all the time to enjoy and do whatever I like to do...soon second thought surfaces-Chance and luck will knock you twice-If you the best option in life why wait...take it and be happy for life else keep on repenting for the lost chance. I love her the most and I do not like other man flirting with her (If she praises somebody, somewhere I feel insecure...probably every male in my place feels the same). But kya karu Ani...I imagine of each and every part of your love being sprayed on me and not a single drop to others. How selfish I am!!! I used to be a broadminded man :-D
My Family: Mom, Dad and Ba...small sweet family. These people had made me able to write the blog tonight. Mom-I like the most I guess...simple, straight forward yet intelligent and practical. Papa- Simple, laborious, honest, visionary, emotional. Ba-Simple, emotional, not much practical, honest and love me the most. We two have seen through some tough times(mom-dad's fighting/ illness times/h away from home loneliness) - so we are quite good friends. She is also going through some tough times now. Her broken relationship (I still wonder how to console her in this though I ask her to forget...is it really possible?), Her office issues, her poor health (it has been a month now-get well soon Ba). I guess everything is interrelated and if the main problem get resolved all others will get solved. Sometimes I feel guilty and sad when I go out and enjoy with Ani or other friends leaving her alone at home. Kya kare...!!! god knows. Out of the allotted 24 Hrs..I have to manage some hours for office and work, some for Ani, some for daily task, some for family and friends, some for Ba, some for studies and career and some for me(if something left after the above task.)...Double the day length-Oh God. Whom should I take dinner or tea -Ba/Ani/Friends-Million dollar question. Still I am managing stretching myself only. Whom should I listen...Ba,Ani, my family or myself!!!!!!!!
Surroundings: Fucking office(office changed to Okhla). Keep looking to your monitor like a poor soul if you don't have any work..coz These Sites Are Not Allowed Here(as per my fucking boss). When I wanted to leave early because of my illness-boss says-make sure you don't take much leave( since then he is on leave because all of his family is ill :). Planning for changing the room for quite some time now(for this I am not being able to study properly). Maid servants-RajaRani and Kabita....you will get good brainstorm if you tolerate them for only a week. I'll not mention any of these Fairy's Tales today. Friends-almost lost links to friends after meeting Ani. These days I don't pick up a lot of calls even from my good friends and relatives...why?...because I am not in a mood to talk to them(don't shout at me plz).Nothing is going right in my surroundings-even Nitu's, Jhony's relationships are in worst shape...god help them.
I frequently go down these days ...wondering what should I do and when things will be normal again. Hey Allah,Khuda,Bhagwan,God help the situation. Chalo kuch to good hua...itne dino se itna saara likhne ki soch raha tha ...kamse kam aalsi rram ne itna to likha...Probably next post will not be much late. Thank god ...I feel little relieved when i drop my overwhelming thoughts into the blog. Thanks blog, you give me the place for relief. I hope though you have listened and learnt a lot about me...you will not change your attitude towards me :-)